unintentionally cruel

I think that those of us who are parents have moments where we think, "my god, I really am a bad parent."

I had that moment--not for the first or last time, I'm certain-- on Thursday, March 26th at about 3:15pm.

That was when I paid someone almost $1,000 to turn my youngest daughter's mouth into something resembling a medieval torture device. To say I was shocked is an understatement; in fact, I keep thinking that I will take her back to the orthodontist's office and make him take the horrible thing out immediately.

She handled it well. When she looked at her reflection in the mirror, I expected her to break down in tears, which is what I wanted to do; however, she looked surprised but she seemed to accept her new appearance easily enough.

We had an event at school that night, and most of the kids who saw her asked, "What is that in your mouth?!?!?" A few kids reacted by looking at her like she was a freak and then ran away from her. Very few kids reacted that way, and I wasn't at all surprised to see which kids behaved that way. The next day, she took time during her class' morning meeting to talk about it (it's called a crib) and answer questions. Her teacher said she was very self-assured while talking about it and answering questions.

I don't know how I've raised such a confident and self-assured child because I am one of the most insecure and self-conscious women I know; I told Wayne it must be his share of DNA that makes her that way.

Observe the cruelty:




It's only 12-18 months, right?

three orthodontists walk into a bar...

My kid has some jacked up teeth, which is the result of almost continuous finger sucking (left hand, ring and middle fingers together) since 6 months of age. She's now almost 8 1/2.
(Long boring story ahead for referance purposes mostly.)

We made appointments with two of the orthodontists in town. There are probably six in town, if I had to guesstimate; I chose to meet with one who we saw a few years ago for Brittani, who ended up *not* getting braces, and the other one I just pulled off of the Goooogle.

Our first appointment was with a Downtown Orthodontist (Dr. Sutherland); my first impression upon entering the office was how chaotic it was. The staff were very friendly, though. I sat down and noticed a wall of pamphlets, the titles of which escape me now, but the topics were Christian based. There were a few on Crisis Pregnancy (which is code for anti-abortion literature). Lots of godly literature. Marriage is meant for 1 man + 1 Woman kind of stuff; some Pray the Gay Away pamphlets, too, IIRC. That kind of disturbed me, but I am aware that he runs his own business and can display whatever literature he chooses. My dentist always has LDS magazines out, though he has finally added some good stuff--Us Weekly, People-- to his magazine library. My dentist is awesome, and he could have all that same literature out, and I would still see him. Good care is hard to find, you know.

So I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt. His treatment coordinator, Maritza, was awesome. Super nice and welcoming. The Dr came in, and what I loved about him was how he addressed Maya directly. *She* is the patient; I just pay the bill. He sat and talked with us about life in general: school, work, hobbies, etc. He didn't rush through the consultation exam; he gave us plenty of time for questions. He gave Maya a water bottle (the bad kind, though...BPA and all that).

The care plan at this point was to simply break the habit of sucking her fingers (thumbguard), and then he would see how her teeth fell into place, at which time, we would look into the next phase (braces, headgear, whatever else it will entail). The estimate was $880 with a 3% discount for full payment up-front (our insurance doesn't cover orthodontia).

The next appointment was several weeks later (mid January) with the Sunrise Orthodontist (Dr. Almond). We had seen this Dr before with Brittani. That was the Dr who gave us a $30,000+ estimate for her orthodontics and oral surgery. Wayne gets a bad vibe from the guy; he seemed nice enough to me in our prior visit, but his estimate was just so high and his treatment plan was so aggressive with Brittani (cut her lower jaw to shorten it, wire the jaw shut for a couple of months) that it was scary. Our dentist recommended that we not pursue that treatment with Brittani. He said, "If she was my kid, I wouldn't do it."

So that's our history with the Sunrise Orthodontist.
The office staff, of course, are super nice. They always are. Like the previous office, they do computerized check-ins that the patients initiate themselves. It's pretty cool.
We get back to see the Dr, and everything he says to Maya has to do with what he needs her to do ("open your mouth; bite down..."); there was no conversation between her and the Dr or between us and the Dr. He kept bringing up Brittani's bite, which was annoying. He was obsessed with Brittani's lower jaw, which caused him to really focus on that during Maya's visit.

His treatment plan was far more aggressive (of course): thumbguard (to prevent finger sucking) with expanders, braces on the front four teeth and headgear. $3700 for Phase 1. Wow.

I was *stunned* when we left his office.

How could two orthodontists have two totally different approaches to Maya's finger-sucking, and how do I make sense of it all? I may spend more at the Sunrise Ortho up front, but at least that cost is there, and I'm aware of it. On the other hand, I really just want her to stop sucking her fingers; I'm not worried about her bite or her jaw growth right now. She's 8!

I was concerned that all of that stuff together could be overwhelming for her. It's hard enough to stop a soothing habit, but to throw braces and headgear into the mix at the same time? I know my kid, and I know that would stress her out.

When we left that appointment, I knew we were in for another appointment with yet another orthodontist. I was getting really sick of orthodontist consults, and they work such wacky days that we ended up having to wait a few weeks for an appointment.

The final orthodontist we saw was a South Hill Orthodontist (Dr. Sutherland).
Again--office staff is great. The treatment coordinator was fabulous, as they all are; let me digress for a sec: The office staff are the salespeople; the Dr is the delivery guy. That seems to be the case for the offices we visited anyway. I think one would be hard-pressed to find an orthodontist office that has a really rude staff.

Okay, so we're chatting with the treatment coordinator while waiting for the Dr. Like the Downtown Orthodontist, the Dr and treatment coordinator really took time to talk with Maya and make her feel comfortable before they started poking and prodding around her mouth and face.

This orthodontist presented a similar treatment plan to what the Downtown Orthodontist presented. I asked about the headgear and braces, and he said that maybe in a few years but not now. He said his opinion is that she is still too young, and he wants to see how her teeth will come in without the fingers getting in the way. He said the headgear will change her jaw by just a few millimeters and that he doesn't see the benefit right now in her case.

The treatment plan he presented was a thumbguard for now with future orthodontia needs to be determined in the future. $800 with a 5% discount for full payment up-front.

Then we had to make a decision: which orthodontist do we go with?

The Downtown and South Hill orthodontists were our options. There was no way in hell we were going to the Sunrise Orthodontist; he is very aggressive (from our experience with both the girls we've taken to him for consultations), and when it comes to orthodontia, aggressive = expensive = his next family vacation. Also, I really didn't appreciate his lack of communication with Maya, especially when the other two were so warm and welcoming when they spoke to her and to me.

We ended up choosing the South Hill Orthodontist, but that was largely because of location. I would highly recommend either the Downtown Orthodontist or the South Hill Orthodontist, and I let the Downtown Orthodontist know that I loved their office, staff and Dr; it just saves us about 40 minutes per appointment to use the South Hill Orthodontist.

Maya had her first appointment with SHO yesterday to place the spacers; she did great. She has one more appointment next week, and then the week before spring break is when the thumbguard will be placed.

Wish me luck. That is not going to be an easy habit to break...

hyperbole

I'm looking at the weather report for Saturday and Sunday, and guess what I see?
Snow.
I am so tired of this winter dreariness. It seems like winter gets longer and longer every year; I thought that with the extension of daylight saving time that winter would seem shorter, but nope.

I hate dst.
I always feel like I'm running late. I am always so relieved when we go back to standard time because dinner time doesn't happen 15 minutes after lunch time anymore. But then there's that whole dark at 2:30 crap to have to contend with. However, longer daylight hours just makes me feel like I need to make more use of the light. I don't like the government fiddling with my productivity guilt, so I think we should just decide to use one or the other. No more back and forth between dst and standard time; it just messes with my mind and body.

And I think it may cause cancer.

nineteen eighty-nine

I have a daughter who is a senior.
Unless you, too, have had a child who is a senior, I don't think you can completely understand the stress, the pride, the fear and, in my case, the utter frustration that one feels as a parent of a senior.

Senior year is not an easy year for many kids. There are graduation requirements that need to be met (culminating project). There's the prospect of the future: Go to university? Community college? Tech school? Take a "gap year" and work, travel, loaf? Assert independence that you aren't so sure you're ready to wear? It's really, really tough. I know it has been *forever* since I was a senior in high school, but I remember the feelings that go with those decisions quite vividly because intensely felt feelings carve into your soul never to be forgotten.

I remember feeling that so many of my friends had their stuff together so much better than I. They were going to universities, community colleges. I didn't have a strong sense that I could take on those responsibilities. I was barely making it through my senior year! I felt a bit of a loss and that I was dangling out in the limboland of loserville. It pretty much sucked.

These are the things I remember as I see my own child struggle to fulfill her graduation requirements.

What saved me from myself my senior year...or, more specifically, *who* saved me from myself was a new teacher to our school. He was my horticulture teacher. I loved horticulture, and I still enjoy it, so don't mock. Plants are life and oxygen and are essential to our existence. Yeah, it would be considered a slacker class, but it was fulfilling--far more fulfilling to me then than, say, math.

Anyway, I was chronically truant. I had 20+ absences at one point in a semester, and it is easy to fall behind when one misses that many days in a semester. I was also taking a Zero Period class (I think it was History or Econ with Mr Kelly) and I had to take freaking Commercial Foods in order to get credit for my job. My senior year schedule sucked.

My horticulture teacher, Kirk Stuart, told me at one point that he was going to do whatever he could do to assure that I would graduate. He may have just wanted to get rid of me, but his motive is unimportant to me 20 years later. It was unimportant to me then. He was the only teacher I had in three years at that high school who appeared to care about my success at all. At that point, I think he cared more than I cared.

During my horticulture class, I would work on missing assignments from other classes. He'd help me if I needed it. He was a good guy.

I think about Mr. Stuart more than I think about any other teacher (except maybe Mrs. Pickens because I was just such a bitch to her--entirely unnecessarily, too). When I finally went back to school (community college), I thought of Mr. Stuart. What he did for me back in 1989 was really big of him. I don't know if I ever thanked him, but I am so grateful.

Now I see my kid fighting a system that can't be fought. She doesn't want to do certain things in order to graduate: compiling her portfolio from freshman through senior year, which includes 20 hours of community service, letters of recommendation, letters from college(s), resume, evidence of learning, etc, etc. It's a lot to do, and she has pretty much done none of it.

She won't listen to me because I am 20 years removed from high school, and she knows what a crap student I was because she mentions it often enough. Plus, I am her Mom. Moms are dumb. This I know because my Mom was dumb was I was Paige's age. I don't know what it is about moms, but once a kid turns about 16, the mom becomes retarded. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean it literally. Their brains are not fully developed and are therefore reatrded in growth. For some reason, once the child reaches the age of about 20 or 21, his/her mom is suddenly normal again. It really sucks to be a mom in her retarded phase, which is what I am in now.

Paige needs a Mr. Stuart. A teacher who has confidence in her. A teacher who can relate to her. A teacher who can light a fire under her ass like no other person can. A teacher who believes she can graduate and then do whatever else she wants to do.

The problem is that Paige is not in a school with only 400-500 kids like my 9th-12th grade high school. She is in a 10th-12th grade high school that has more like 1500 kids. Her graduating class is *huge.* She disrespects her advisory teacher, who is supposed to walk her through this process. She has little to no respect for many of her teachers, and when you feel like a kid thinks you're slime, why would you ever invest your time and effort into helping her?

I know we'll make it through this year alive, and if she gets her ass in gear, she may even graduate on time with her peers.

Oy, but it's tough to be the parent of a senior.

what will I be like when it comes time for her to go to college?

How important is a child's primary school years?
Maya is in 2nd grade, and she is part of a unique program within our school district; the program is multi-age (1-2 class, 3-4 class 5-6 class) and a full day kindergarten. It's been an excellent program for teaching leadership and mentoring skills, and the kids tend to do well-above average when tested in reading, writing and math. The class size tend to be smaller (low 20s or less compared to the 30s), and there is a minimum requirement for family volunteer hours. Field trips are taken at least once a month and sometimes more frequently.

I have to admit that I wasn't in love with Maya's 1st grade teacher, and there were some things she did that I strongly disagreed with as far as discipline within the classroom; however, aside from a few glaring exceptions, she had a great learning vibe in her class. The kids were always questioning and seeking answers. It was awesome.

She retired at the end of the year, and so Maya had a new teacher this year.

I love Maya's new teacher; if we were to go out for coffee, I could chat with her all day long. She's funny and personable; however, I hate how she runs her class. It's like stepping back in time 10-20 years. She is painfully traditional. If one were to walk in the classroom, it wouldn't be evident that it is a multi-age class. She has even admitted that she's not teaching multi-age; it's truly painful.

Recently it was announced that the beloved full-day Kindergarten co-op teacher's class will be cut to half-day. She doesn't want to do half-day and will leave the co-op if full-day is no longer an option. Ugh. She really gets the whole multi-age concept, and she is into the Responsive Classroom model, which is so cool. It would suck to lose her, and I feel (as many others do, too) that her absence will have a huge impact on the longevity of the co-op.

In addition to all of that, there is a new 3-4 co-op teacher this year, too. I haven't heard much about her. No one seems to be in love with what she is doing with the class, and no one seems to abhor what she's doing either. I want to be impressed with what is going on in the co-op classes, so I find it mildly upsetting that no one seems to have much to say about her.

Oh, and I also found out that our new principal, who is completely unsupportive of the co-op (the co-op consists of three multi-age classes and one full day K within a poorly performing public school; the kids in the co-op consistently test higher than the rest of the school) has decided that she will add 6th graders who are *not* part of the co-op to the co-op class because there are only 16 kids in the 5-6 co-op class; whereas there are 31 kids in some of the school's 6th grade classrooms. That action would totally undermine the concept of the co-op because those incoming kids' families would not be held to the same contracts that the rest of the families in co-op classes are held to.

All of these things have left me scrambling to find a really great educational model for my kid. Right now I have her on a waiver to attend the co-op. I drive her to school every day because there is no bus transport from our home to that school. We are contracted to 90 hours per year of volunteer time per school year (that's for one child; with each additional child the volunteer hour obligation increases). We pay for numerous field trips (an average of 2 per month) and a yearly registration fee. I want to see something different from the classrooms in my neighborhood school; otherwise, I might as well just stay in my neighborhood school and volunteer how ever much I want to volunteer and not spend money above and beyond what is required for normal public school education.

It's frustrating.

I found a great program, though. It's not in our district, so chances are slim that I could even get Maya into the school. It is about an hour away from where we live. It's a public school that is fully multi-age. Every class is either K-1-2 or 3-4-5. It looks amazing. They do an out-of-district lottery in the spring, and I think we might try our luck and see if we can get Maya in for the '09-'10 school year. We can do that until she's in 6th grade and then come back for 6th grade to our current co-op program. I've heard really good things about the 5-6 co-op teacher.

I never thought I would worry so much about primary and intermediate education for my kid, but I don't want her academic spirit to be killed. Already this year, her creative writing, which is one of her strengths, has diminished. Creativity, expression and exploration are simply not fostered this year, and it makes me so sad. Leadership and mentoring, which are cornerstones of muti-age learning, have been completely discarded.

What I would prefer is to change the existing program back to the vital and innovative program that was once its reputation, but if no one else is able to see the disintegration that is happening within the co-op, I will definitely take my kid to a school an hour away...if she can get in. If she can't get into the other school, I may just go to the school up the street. I don't know.

bad girls

Facebook is a bizarre thing.
Last night I added a girl I was friends with in junior high. Until I started writing back and forth with her, I had forgotten how crazy my junior high years were.

It also brought me back to this weird place.

I lived in the same neighborhood for 11 years or so, and I went to school with many of the same kids from elementary school through junior high. Just as I was getting ready to go on to the high school with my friends, my parents moved me to another town, another school. It worked out well enough-- I loved the high school I went to, once I warmed up to it, and I love(d) the friends I made there. That said, there are a lot of people that I went to school with for years and years that I have a ton of memories with, who graduated from a different high school-- a high school whose reunion I won't be part of. It feels weird. Sometimes I get mixed up and think a kid I went to junior high with is a kid with whom I went to high school. Or vice versa.

Anyway, my friend Denice, she cracked me up the night we were talking via Facebook. We did some crazy things together, and we really gave our parents serious headaches. I completely forgot all of that until we started to catch-up. Talking to Denice really made me miss the friends I had in my old neighborhood; we were a plentiful and fairly tight bunch of kids. My other friend from back then, Angie, has added several kids from Inglewood hill (our 'hood) and our junior high (Evergreen!) to her fb. I may end up copying her :-)

late

What do you when you are 38, you have an 18 year old, a 16 year old and an 8 year old, and your period is 12 days late?

Freak out and then buy an ept.

Thankfully it (they) was (were) negative. It really scared me, though, because when a woman's husband has had a vasectomy, she trusts that pregnancy is not something she ever has to worry about again.

Wayne never went back to the doctor after his vasectomy to have his sperm count verified as zero, and I told him that he needs to go do that, um, now. I really don't want to become pregnant again. Five years ago, I would have been okay with it, but now? I would be actively parenting minor children from age 19 to age 56. I love my kids, but the idea of raising young ones for an additional 18+ years exhausts me to no end.

I guess I should schedule an appointment with my doctor, though, to get a check-up and make sure nothing too funny is going on in my reproductive organs. It's probably just peri-menopause--I saw an episode on perimenopause on Oprah last week.

still

We're in Leavenworth and it's wonderful, as usual. We have a different room-- we always have the same room, so a new room is, well, weird. It's still a nice room, though: jacuzzi tub, king bed, suite with a private balcony.

No kids with us this year, which is different but good. We didn't get to go away on our yearly anniversary trip to Deep Forest Cabins, and this trip makes me miss that trip even more, but it's okay.

It's very quiet and still here now. Town is quiet--probably because of the recent flooding and the mountain passes were closed for a couple of days. Wayne is at some lecture right now...or talk..or whatever they call it. Something about families and the ICU. He loves his work, and he loves to learn more about how he can do what he does even better than he does it now.

No TV.
No Radio.
Just silence.
And a glowing monitor...

It's very nice.

---
I have a new series starting on Monday. The one couple has decided to drop, though their baby does not appear to have Down syndrome. They expect numerous other health complications in the infant. Mom said that the drs are telling her that she will be on strict bedrest before too long and that the baby will likely "be taken" early. To "be taken" usually means born by cesarean.
---

Last night Wayne received a facebook friend notification thingy. An ex...I don't know how to describe her... Just an Ex, I guess. Anyway, it was her. She has contacted him sine we have been together-- letters and phone calls that were rather pleading, if I recall correctly. It was a long time ago, though. She was long forgotten until thsi request came through.

He immediately wanted to ignore it. What!? He is such a guy. I made him accept it. I threatened to be angry with himif he didn't acceot it. He doesn't understand: accept it, so you can look at her profile. I had never seen her, only heard about her. I had to see.

So I looked through her profile and became slightly obsessed. I began asking a bunch of questions about his relationship with her that was 13 or so years ago. Like it even matters. It was well before us, and he has always said she was a nutcase.

So that led me to look at his facebook because of course, if he's (well, I'm) looking at hers, she's probably looking at his. And guess what? Not a single picture of me or us on his facebook. Then I get grumpy. Then he deleted her from his friends list because it was making me slightly insane.

It was all fun, and I wasn't really angry, and he didn't get angry--there was definitely no arguing during this Just an Ex Facebook Debacle-- it's just weird when you think that we each had these different lives before we met each other. I told him, "the odd thing is that now you KNOW she was actually looking for you on facebook." You just never know who out there is looking for you.

sadness

This month marks the beginning of my seventh year of teaching natural childbirth classes.
I can't believe all the wonderful families I've been able to work with; each couple has taught me something new about pregnancy, birth and relationships.

I've been fortunate to have taught for this long without any major incidents with my students-- like injury and death.

I have a new series beginning on Monday. It was scheduled to begin January 26th, so I called my registered students to see if they would be down with beginning on the 12th instead. One mom I talked to received some unexpected news in late December right before the holidays: her baby is not developing as expected, and the prediction is that the baby has Down syndrome. I didn't know what to say. She had to wait until this week to find out more information because, of course, many people take time off for the holidays. She told me, "I'm sorry if I start crying." Oh. I feel awful that she felt the need to say that.

She said that she and her husband are fine with the baby having Down syndrome, it's the unknown that is scary...and the fact that everything that she thought was normal and predictable is now unknown and unpredictable. I am so sad for her--not because of anything that may be "wrong" with her baby-- because being pregnant, giving birth and having a baby can be such a fearful time for women and to top it off with the unknown and the waiting to know....it's just so hard.

I imagine that she will choose to not take my class. The baby will be taken from her immediately after his birth. There will be no immediate skin to skin or putting the baby to breast. She can still have a natural birth, though, unless something else arises that I am unaware of at this time. I try to imagine what it would be like for me to take a birthing class with women who are having perfectly healthy babies knowing that I am having a child with multiple health issues. I think it would be painful, but I also think that the experience can be positive for her and for those in class with her. Her experience can really touch others in ways that she may be unable to imagine right now and may really lift her spirits.

I feel for her, and I wish there was something I could do for her.

slumdog millionaire

For Christmas, Wayne and I were given 4 pairs of movie tickets from Costco from my parents. They really are the best gift because Wayne and I love, love, love to see a good film, but we can rarely justify the expense. I'd rather wait for it to come on DVD than pay those insane prices. At home I'm also able to sit through an entire movie without people kicking the back of my seat and talking all throughout. Plus there's "pause" for when I have to pee.

However, at home there's no movie theater popcorn, which I love too much.

Wayne and I used the first pair of tickets last night. We went out to dinner at Blue Island Sushi Roll in Federal Way, which is really yummy. I love it there. Then we headed to Auburn to watch Slumdog Millionaire.

Oh. My. God.

It was the most moving, beautiful, horrifying and tragic film I have seen in a very long time.
I knew nothing about the flick except that it was about an 18 year old Indian guy who was looking for his lost love while on the Indian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The plot description didn't grab me, but all I heard from anyone anywhere was how wonderful this movie was.

Oh. My. God.

I am really not overstating. It was the best film I have seen in I can't remember how long. I laughed. I cried. I cried some more. And then as credits rolled, I laughed as I cried. I can't get the damn movie out of my mind. I keep reading that the cultural and societal portrayals are accurate, which kills me. If kids really do live like that in India, it is disgraceful. It absolutely breaks my heart.

So go now to fandango to see where Slumdog Millionaire is playing near you.
I think I may go see it again and drag my mom and sister with me (well, I probably won't have to actually drag them); I don't think I have ever gone to the theater to see a movie more than once.

I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.