We do our nightly routine:
Cozy in our comfy bed, turn on the tv (Oprah would be so disappointed), snuggle up and catch-up on Survivor, or The Amazing Race...maybe some Good Guys or How I Met Your Mother. The dvr is always full of shows we don't have time to watch.
He rubs my leg, or maybe my back. I lay my head on his bare chest, which is his cue to start playing with my hair.
Soon I drift off to sleep, and he finishes the show we started to watch together; he can't delete it off the dvr, though, since I didn't finish the episode.
Lights out; tv off.
See you in the morning.
Same routine for over 14 years.
Happy Anniversary.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Curses!
When a new neighbor moves in across the street from you, how would you greet them? How would you welcome them to the neighborhood--the place where you have lived for 7+ years and have no intention of leaving for another 8 years?
Bake cookies and bring them over, still warm from the oven?
Create a "Welcome Wagon" basket with goodies and resources for the area?
Catch them up on all the great neighborhood gossip (while putting nothing but a positive spin on yourself and your family, of course)?
How about this idea:
While the new neighbors are trying to move furniture into their new home, have your daughter's boyfriend back daughter's Jeep into the new neighbor's Honda Civic parked on the street?
Swell.
Welcome to Hillsboro!
Well, when this happened to us (Paige) last night, the neighbor lady apparently started yelling, "Call the fucking police!!!" to her husband (?) and mom/mil (?). Oh great.
We're so not getting a Christmas card from our new neighbors this year.
Sigh.
Well, they did move into the cursed house in the 'hood.
Bake cookies and bring them over, still warm from the oven?
Create a "Welcome Wagon" basket with goodies and resources for the area?
Catch them up on all the great neighborhood gossip (while putting nothing but a positive spin on yourself and your family, of course)?
How about this idea:
While the new neighbors are trying to move furniture into their new home, have your daughter's boyfriend back daughter's Jeep into the new neighbor's Honda Civic parked on the street?
Swell.
Welcome to Hillsboro!
Well, when this happened to us (Paige) last night, the neighbor lady apparently started yelling, "Call the fucking police!!!" to her husband (?) and mom/mil (?). Oh great.
We're so not getting a Christmas card from our new neighbors this year.
Sigh.
Well, they did move into the cursed house in the 'hood.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Look at this:
American Academy of Husband-Coached Childbirth
And then look at this:
Potential New Certifying Body
I am about to take a huge plunge into the unknown, and it makes me nervous, excited and hopeful.
Since my grandma died, school started, the older girls are both gone, and Maya is so much more independent, I have been kicking around the idea of changing my teaching affiliation, and now this new group has come along. I am impressed by them at every turn. I'd like to amp up my birthwork business: teaching more classes, more students and doing more doula work (birth and postpartum). I have the time and the energy, and my family doesn't need me home as much.
I've secured a domain name. but I need to think of a business name. Ideas (from any of my millions of readers...hahaha)?
American Academy of Husband-Coached Childbirth
And then look at this:
Potential New Certifying Body
I am about to take a huge plunge into the unknown, and it makes me nervous, excited and hopeful.
Since my grandma died, school started, the older girls are both gone, and Maya is so much more independent, I have been kicking around the idea of changing my teaching affiliation, and now this new group has come along. I am impressed by them at every turn. I'd like to amp up my birthwork business: teaching more classes, more students and doing more doula work (birth and postpartum). I have the time and the energy, and my family doesn't need me home as much.
I've secured a domain name. but I need to think of a business name. Ideas (from any of my millions of readers...hahaha)?
Monday, November 1, 2010
NaBloPoMo 2010...
...And so I sit on this cold, windy, gray, wet day to begin a month of documenting my life, my thoughts and ...
well, who knows.
I'm feeling revitalized in many way in my life, and maybe this blog, too, will see a renewal in spirit. Or maybe I'm just overly optimistic. I guess that only time will tell.
One day down and only 29 days left to go.
Let's hope they aren't all as cold, windy, gray and wet as today.
well, who knows.
I'm feeling revitalized in many way in my life, and maybe this blog, too, will see a renewal in spirit. Or maybe I'm just overly optimistic. I guess that only time will tell.
One day down and only 29 days left to go.
Let's hope they aren't all as cold, windy, gray and wet as today.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
crazy town
In a few days, I will be hosting Maya's 10th birthday party at our house.
A sleepover.
With about 18 girls ages 8-11.
The night before a volleyball game and team photos.
I think I might be crazy.
We'll have them make their own pizzas, play a few Minute to Win It games, cake, ice cream, presents...at which time some kids will leave...and then?? Movies and hopefully sleep--for all of us.
Ha!
A sleepover.
With about 18 girls ages 8-11.
The night before a volleyball game and team photos.
I think I might be crazy.
We'll have them make their own pizzas, play a few Minute to Win It games, cake, ice cream, presents...at which time some kids will leave...and then?? Movies and hopefully sleep--for all of us.
Ha!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
the end
Beginning last Wednesday, my grandma has been in bed. She began her time in bed in a sleepy state with fairly regular moments of lucidity.
Friday her bath aid, Pat, came in and made all kinds of unnecessary (in my expert opinion) decisions: grandma would use Depends. Grandma would use a hospital bed. Grandma would die by the end of the weekend.
I'd like to state that the bath aid was wrong at every turn.
The weekend was long and quiet; when hospice isn't visiting and church friends aren't visiting, the days are very long. My grandpa and me (and/or my mom) sitting in a quiet house. No radio. No TV. Minimal or idle conversation.
I stayed the night on Friday and Monday nights; we weren't needing to medicate my grandma (liquid morphine) because she really didn't show any signs of pain.
Monday night things changed for me. My grandma really seemed to be in pain when I turned her (every 1.5hrs). We turn her frequently because she wasn't able to move herself around as easily, and we wanted to prevent bedsores. Waking every 1.5 hours was hard, and I realized that turning her so often seemed to cause her pain. I suggested to my grandpa that we medicate her 10 minutes prior to turning, and we only turn her every two hours.
Hospice was back from holiday (Labor Day) on Tuesday, so grandma was visited by Elinda, our savior hospice nurse, Nancy, the substitute bath aide, and Peg, the LMP. Grandma was doted on all day; it was so good for her.
I received a phone call from my grandpa this morning (about 7:40am) asking me to come to his house (about 5 mins away) to help him. I arrived at his house around 8:00am and began to help him care for my grandma. Her breathing was strained, in the gasping way that accompanies the end of life. I moved her a little, heard a gurgle and didn't quite know what to do. I lifted her torso into a 45* angle, and then... a rattle from her chest followed by stillness. My grandpa was a few feet away from me on her opposite side.
I can say with authority that it isn't always easy to determine if one has departed this realm.
Around 8:00am PDT on September 8, 2010, my grandma, 78 years of age, took her last breath in my arms.
My mom, my aunt and I bathed her, lotioned and perfumed her, dressed her and prepared her for her final journey out of her house never to be seen by us again. I stood at the window by her front door as she was driven away from the house, the way she always did when I drove away. I wanted to wave good-bye to her like she always did to me, but I couldn't quite raise my hand.
Friday her bath aid, Pat, came in and made all kinds of unnecessary (in my expert opinion) decisions: grandma would use Depends. Grandma would use a hospital bed. Grandma would die by the end of the weekend.
I'd like to state that the bath aid was wrong at every turn.
The weekend was long and quiet; when hospice isn't visiting and church friends aren't visiting, the days are very long. My grandpa and me (and/or my mom) sitting in a quiet house. No radio. No TV. Minimal or idle conversation.
I stayed the night on Friday and Monday nights; we weren't needing to medicate my grandma (liquid morphine) because she really didn't show any signs of pain.
Monday night things changed for me. My grandma really seemed to be in pain when I turned her (every 1.5hrs). We turn her frequently because she wasn't able to move herself around as easily, and we wanted to prevent bedsores. Waking every 1.5 hours was hard, and I realized that turning her so often seemed to cause her pain. I suggested to my grandpa that we medicate her 10 minutes prior to turning, and we only turn her every two hours.
Hospice was back from holiday (Labor Day) on Tuesday, so grandma was visited by Elinda, our savior hospice nurse, Nancy, the substitute bath aide, and Peg, the LMP. Grandma was doted on all day; it was so good for her.
I received a phone call from my grandpa this morning (about 7:40am) asking me to come to his house (about 5 mins away) to help him. I arrived at his house around 8:00am and began to help him care for my grandma. Her breathing was strained, in the gasping way that accompanies the end of life. I moved her a little, heard a gurgle and didn't quite know what to do. I lifted her torso into a 45* angle, and then... a rattle from her chest followed by stillness. My grandpa was a few feet away from me on her opposite side.
I can say with authority that it isn't always easy to determine if one has departed this realm.
Around 8:00am PDT on September 8, 2010, my grandma, 78 years of age, took her last breath in my arms.
My mom, my aunt and I bathed her, lotioned and perfumed her, dressed her and prepared her for her final journey out of her house never to be seen by us again. I stood at the window by her front door as she was driven away from the house, the way she always did when I drove away. I wanted to wave good-bye to her like she always did to me, but I couldn't quite raise my hand.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
shhhh...
I'm in bed, and my grandma is next to me.
Her breathing is slow and steady, and she is on her third day of sleepfulness. She hasn't been out of bed except to use the bathroom.
Her moments of clarity are fewer and farther apart, but when she is clear, she reaches out, gives a hug, touches my face...
She is so thin right now; she wasn't big to begin with, but every time I go into her room and touch her, she seems to have lost even more weight, mass and inches.
We expect her to pass sometime this weekend. We're doing everything we can to assure she is comfortable and maintains dignity. My grandpa has been the best caretaker he can be, and he has had to make some tough decisions. I told him that right now, for me and Wayne, this point that they are at seems so far away for us, but I'm sure to him it all came upon them too quickly. I keep telling Wayne different things I want if I die in the manner my grandma is dying: candles, music, family together, food cooking, massage, holding, touching, talking...I want to have vitality surround me as I pass, so I know I leave a legacy that will continue.
Her breathing is slow and steady, and she is on her third day of sleepfulness. She hasn't been out of bed except to use the bathroom.
Her moments of clarity are fewer and farther apart, but when she is clear, she reaches out, gives a hug, touches my face...
She is so thin right now; she wasn't big to begin with, but every time I go into her room and touch her, she seems to have lost even more weight, mass and inches.
We expect her to pass sometime this weekend. We're doing everything we can to assure she is comfortable and maintains dignity. My grandpa has been the best caretaker he can be, and he has had to make some tough decisions. I told him that right now, for me and Wayne, this point that they are at seems so far away for us, but I'm sure to him it all came upon them too quickly. I keep telling Wayne different things I want if I die in the manner my grandma is dying: candles, music, family together, food cooking, massage, holding, touching, talking...I want to have vitality surround me as I pass, so I know I leave a legacy that will continue.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
less than one week
One week from right this moment, I'll be getting in my car and heading over to get Maya after her first day of school.
Yes, we are less than one week away from school beginning.
Normally I'm not too excited about school starting, but this year, I need school to start; this summer has sucked. Actually, I guess that's unfair. We tried to have a Summer of Spontaneity, and I think we mostly succeeded. Our goal was to be able to say, "hey let's leave town" at the last minute and to be able to do it. In that regard, our summer was a success. We camped more than we have since Maya was born (2000). We went to Walla Walla--just me and Wayne--and we had a great weekend. Our last trip was to Bend,OR, which wasn't the best trip, but it was still fun.
This stuff with my grandma has been rough, and it has sort of overshadowed the good parts of summer, so I find myself looking at photos from our summer to remind myself that there were plenty of good times. Wallowing is easy to do, but I will resist.
I stayed the night at my grandparents' house last night; my mom and I take turns sleeping over there. We stay with my grandma while my grandpa sleeps in the guestroom; this allows him--the 24/7 caregiver-- a bit of respite from his duties, so he can sleep and be a better caregiver during the day. In addition, I'm there almost every day to help my grandma get ready for the day and to be with her, so my grandpa can leave the house to run errands.
My grandma's condition has worsened, as expected, but she still has her sense of humor and interacts with us. She hasn't been receiving regular tube-feedings anymore, and she can't really drink fluids anymore, either. She can't write. She can't talk. She is mostly unable to communicate with us--she won't (or can't) even respond "yes" or "no" with nods of her head. Her entire right side, which is her dominant side, appears to have effects from a stroke (or several small strokes). She can still bear weight on her left side, but transferring her is more difficult with the limpness of her right side.
Last night was a sleepless night; my grandpa doesn't like to medicate my grandma, so the Haldol that the nurse suggested she take at night to ease anxiety, he tries to skip when he can. He didn't give Haldol to my grandma on Tuesday night, and he didn't give it (he calls it Halo because it's generic name is Haloperidol) last night either. She spent the whole night wiggling around in bed and groaning throughout the night. She appeared anxious, for sure, or maybe it was discomfort. It's difficult to know. He told me this morning that he "probably should have given her the Halo."
His fear is chemical dependency, which I totally get with the f'ed up family we have, but at the same time, she's on hospice, which means she at the end of her life. My poor grandpa is so conflicted. To give her tube feedings or not? To medicate her or not? What medications to continue and which to discontinue?
I wonder if she knows she's dying because no one speaks of what's happening to her in front of her. A week ago, my mom and my grandpa went to finalize the details at the cemetery and the crematorium. He told my grandma that he had to go to the credit union, which she didn't believe. She was so pissed at him! He never told her where he really was, so when he got home, she was so mad that he was gone since she was sure he wasn't at the credit union. I think it would have been easier and better to be honest, but what do I know.
I'm exhausted, sad, unenthusiastic about the things I need to do (co-op, childbirth classes, cleaning, thinking, doing...). So, that is why I am happy school is starting. I know Maya will be engaged in activity for 6 1/2 hours a day, so I can help my grandparents and not have to worry about Maya being on the computer/playing video games/watching TV for 10 hours a day while I am at my grandparents' house (or just sitting at home like a blob).
Here's my grandparents on 8.18.10 using a communication board I made for my grandma. She used it for a few hours before she grew tired of it and put it aside for good.
Yes, we are less than one week away from school beginning.
Normally I'm not too excited about school starting, but this year, I need school to start; this summer has sucked. Actually, I guess that's unfair. We tried to have a Summer of Spontaneity, and I think we mostly succeeded. Our goal was to be able to say, "hey let's leave town" at the last minute and to be able to do it. In that regard, our summer was a success. We camped more than we have since Maya was born (2000). We went to Walla Walla--just me and Wayne--and we had a great weekend. Our last trip was to Bend,OR, which wasn't the best trip, but it was still fun.
This stuff with my grandma has been rough, and it has sort of overshadowed the good parts of summer, so I find myself looking at photos from our summer to remind myself that there were plenty of good times. Wallowing is easy to do, but I will resist.
I stayed the night at my grandparents' house last night; my mom and I take turns sleeping over there. We stay with my grandma while my grandpa sleeps in the guestroom; this allows him--the 24/7 caregiver-- a bit of respite from his duties, so he can sleep and be a better caregiver during the day. In addition, I'm there almost every day to help my grandma get ready for the day and to be with her, so my grandpa can leave the house to run errands.
My grandma's condition has worsened, as expected, but she still has her sense of humor and interacts with us. She hasn't been receiving regular tube-feedings anymore, and she can't really drink fluids anymore, either. She can't write. She can't talk. She is mostly unable to communicate with us--she won't (or can't) even respond "yes" or "no" with nods of her head. Her entire right side, which is her dominant side, appears to have effects from a stroke (or several small strokes). She can still bear weight on her left side, but transferring her is more difficult with the limpness of her right side.
Last night was a sleepless night; my grandpa doesn't like to medicate my grandma, so the Haldol that the nurse suggested she take at night to ease anxiety, he tries to skip when he can. He didn't give Haldol to my grandma on Tuesday night, and he didn't give it (he calls it Halo because it's generic name is Haloperidol) last night either. She spent the whole night wiggling around in bed and groaning throughout the night. She appeared anxious, for sure, or maybe it was discomfort. It's difficult to know. He told me this morning that he "probably should have given her the Halo."
His fear is chemical dependency, which I totally get with the f'ed up family we have, but at the same time, she's on hospice, which means she at the end of her life. My poor grandpa is so conflicted. To give her tube feedings or not? To medicate her or not? What medications to continue and which to discontinue?
I wonder if she knows she's dying because no one speaks of what's happening to her in front of her. A week ago, my mom and my grandpa went to finalize the details at the cemetery and the crematorium. He told my grandma that he had to go to the credit union, which she didn't believe. She was so pissed at him! He never told her where he really was, so when he got home, she was so mad that he was gone since she was sure he wasn't at the credit union. I think it would have been easier and better to be honest, but what do I know.
I'm exhausted, sad, unenthusiastic about the things I need to do (co-op, childbirth classes, cleaning, thinking, doing...). So, that is why I am happy school is starting. I know Maya will be engaged in activity for 6 1/2 hours a day, so I can help my grandparents and not have to worry about Maya being on the computer/playing video games/watching TV for 10 hours a day while I am at my grandparents' house (or just sitting at home like a blob).
Here's my grandparents on 8.18.10 using a communication board I made for my grandma. She used it for a few hours before she grew tired of it and put it aside for good.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
tired
We've gotten to the point with my grandma, I think, that she needs a lot more care and attention.
I stayed the night with my grandparents last night to give my grandpa a night of respite; he's been her 24-hr caregiver, and it's really affecting him. She requires more care now than before, and it is exhausting.
I slept with my grandma and got up with her during the night, which was often. We went to bed at 12:00am, and she was up at 1:30am, 3:00am, and 4:30am. She was finally up for the day at 7:00am. Each time she wanted to be out of bed, we were up for about half an hour. I am tired today. I totally get why my grandpa is just completely exhausted; this has been her schedule for weeks now, and sometimes it's a more erratic sleeping schedule than last night.
We're going to try an every third night sleepover schedule to continue to give my grandpa so time off of caregiving. My mom, my grandpa and I all will all alternate nights sleeping with grandma and getting up with her through the night.
She's declining steadily now, but she's not in any pain.
I stayed the night with my grandparents last night to give my grandpa a night of respite; he's been her 24-hr caregiver, and it's really affecting him. She requires more care now than before, and it is exhausting.
I slept with my grandma and got up with her during the night, which was often. We went to bed at 12:00am, and she was up at 1:30am, 3:00am, and 4:30am. She was finally up for the day at 7:00am. Each time she wanted to be out of bed, we were up for about half an hour. I am tired today. I totally get why my grandpa is just completely exhausted; this has been her schedule for weeks now, and sometimes it's a more erratic sleeping schedule than last night.
We're going to try an every third night sleepover schedule to continue to give my grandpa so time off of caregiving. My mom, my grandpa and I all will all alternate nights sleeping with grandma and getting up with her through the night.
She's declining steadily now, but she's not in any pain.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
it's grand
Two of our kids have now graduated, and one is for sure not living here at home anymore with the other likely to move in with her mom at the end of summer.
Would it be bad to say, "I can get used to this!"?
Sure, it's quiet, dull and lonely at times, but on the bright side, it's quiet, dull and lonely at times!
Paige and I get along a lot better when we don't live together; she's turned out to be a good kid. She'll be 20 in a little less than 2 weeks (!), and I think she'll be okay. She isn't lavished with things as much as some of her friends, so I think she'll either hate me for it later or thank me for it. I just wish she was more on top of getting her school stuff together. You know: financial aid, registration...
Brittani is 18. I don't think anything else needs to be said. Anyone who has ever lived with an 18 year-old understands what I'm talking about: 18 is hell. Hopefully by the time she's 20, things will smooth over.
I'm just going to enjoy these next few (too few) years before Maya hits that icky stage of 11 to 20 years of age. Peaks and valleys ahead, folks...
Would it be bad to say, "I can get used to this!"?
Sure, it's quiet, dull and lonely at times, but on the bright side, it's quiet, dull and lonely at times!
Paige and I get along a lot better when we don't live together; she's turned out to be a good kid. She'll be 20 in a little less than 2 weeks (!), and I think she'll be okay. She isn't lavished with things as much as some of her friends, so I think she'll either hate me for it later or thank me for it. I just wish she was more on top of getting her school stuff together. You know: financial aid, registration...
Brittani is 18. I don't think anything else needs to be said. Anyone who has ever lived with an 18 year-old understands what I'm talking about: 18 is hell. Hopefully by the time she's 20, things will smooth over.
I'm just going to enjoy these next few (too few) years before Maya hits that icky stage of 11 to 20 years of age. Peaks and valleys ahead, folks...
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