nehalem

Nehalem
------Everclear

There is this rumor about
They say you're leaving Nehalem
Ever since our baby died
You've been seen with another guy
The whole damn town is talking now
They say you're leaving Nehalem

Hey don't you want me to go?
Hey don't you want me?

They say you're losing your mind
They say you're leaving Nehalem
You know how the bad words get around
Big noise in a hard small town

Tell me if you want me to go
Just tell me if you want me

They say you're leaving Nehalem
They say you're leaving me

Yeah, I know you need to break away
I don't give a fuck about what those people say
I hope you find everywhere you go
All the good things that you need to know

They say you're losing your mind
They say you're leaving Nehalem
There is this rumor out
They say you're leaving Nehalem
They say you're leaving me
They say you're leaving Nehalem
I know you're leaving me
I know you're leaving Nehalem

I know you're leaving me

--------------------------

Little known fact. Actually, I should say: seldom discussed fact--
I once led a nearly scandalous lifestyle. I did bad things. Bad things happened to me. It was likely karma. Bad karma.

So, the song above is from Everclear's CD Sparkle and Fade. One of my favorite CDs of all time. I can listen to it over and over and over, but when I do listen to it, it conjures things. Images in my mind. Memories. Feelings. Pain. Sadness. But also memories of fun. Love (?). Yes. Love. No question mark.

It was a bad relationship that felt good for some reason. It felt like uncommitted commitment, which can feel great at times...until you feel like you need committed commitment.

It was 1995. That summer was awesome, fantastic and fulfilling. Freeing. I went out a lot. Dated a bunch of different guys and was definitely not looking to be in a relationship. But somehow it happened. He happened while I was seeing other people. While he was most definitely committed. This was our uncommitted committed phase.

I don't know how it happened. The pregnancy. Completely unexpected, but I guess someone dropped the ball. Him? Me? We did, and I don't know how. I remember that he was away for work in Yakima. Unreachable. This was before everyone had a mobile phone, you know. I took a test, and it was negative; my period never came, though, and with the next test, my urine barely touched the stick and it was positive.

This was such a tough time for me. I already had one child "out of wedlock." I didn't want to be one of those women who have 6 kids by 7 different men.

I don't really remember my reaction. I don't really remember his reaction. I do remember the date of his vasectomy, though, which I was present for. It was the day that the OJ Simpson verdict came back (not guilty). October 3rd.

After that everything is fuzzy.
I know I changed a lot because I wanted committed commitment, which was so not our style. He tried to give me false commitment, but the truth always comes out in the end, doesn't it?

And it did in a big way.

I ended up losing that baby in March 1996 at 28 weeks gestation. It was tougher on me than I ever imagined. What goes in must come out, and I birthed that baby like I did my other two, but this one never took a breath. I birthed her in the toilet. I didn't mean to, and that bothered me for so long--until I learned why I birthed her there.

He was there for the bireath. I was so grateful to have him because that must mean he loves me more than...
and then he was gone.
And I was alone again, as I was with him so much before, and I was working, taking care of my daughter and trying to heal on my own.
And then he came back again. To stay. He got a job with my dad and all was well. I was happy.
I don't remember how long he stayed that time, but I don't think it was long before I left work early to find a note from him. His veiled goodbye that was so clear to me. Everything that he had at my place for almost a year was so completely gone.

And that was that.

1996 was the worst summer. I honestly don't know how I functioned. I wanted to exist in only a fog, and that's not the best way to function when one has a 6 year old to tend to. It was a mess of a summer that deserves a separate blog post.

And then he called me at work. Out of the blue. I happened to be passing a pay phone, and it was his voice on the other end. I shook. I was. Yes. I simply was. I was all those indescribable sensations that come along with a surge of adrenaline.

I saw him. I drove 11 hours from the gorge to the town he was living in. It was a beautiful place, and I was high when I got there. It was still the adrenaline running through me when I heard him or when I saw him or even when I thought of him. And the place we were was simply... well, it was sand and sea and warmth.

In the end, though, it was a disaster and it all crumbled.
I don't remember how or who decided that the end had come, but it was done.

Last week he messaged me through myspace. It has been 11 years since I went to visit him, and he pops in again like...well, like there's no history. It weirds me out, but I'm also happy to hear from him because before we became this really complex and dysfunctional unit, we were friends who had a lot of fun together, who had a lot in common with each other. I want to ask him, still, what am I to you? Am I a memorable part of your history? Am I just a girl you knew back in the day, when we were young and not as free as we pretended to be?

Ugh.

Instead, we ask each other questions like, "How is your sister" "How are your kids?" "What are you doing these days?" "Whatever happened to Melissa?" "How is Renae?" It doesn't feel like a conversation we would really have, but that just makes me wonder if he feels as weird about it (whatever it is) as I do.

And finally, one more Everclear song from Sparkle and Fade that brings me right back to him and that time in my life:

"The Twistinside"

We have been sleeping with the lights on
Just about every night
Because we are afraid of what the dark might bring
I know, I know it's just a childish fear
That grows and grows wild in the middle of me
I'm gonna get a new tattoo
Black and stretching around my arm
Like a life that is visible and real
I know, I know it's stupid and immature
I just want to give shape to the face
That twists inside both you and me
Breathing fire doesn't look good on a resume
Neither does anything else we do
We got to get ready for the real world
Yeah yeah we got to grow up
You know I like to die for awhile
Everyday in the afternoon
I like to let the arms of a bar wrap around me tight
I'm just going to sprawl in the front booth
Big drink above my head
Cross eyes and smiling as I watch the world go twisting by
I don't want to die with you,
Or live in the same dark room
I don't want to see your bloodshot eyes no more, no more
I just want to take this girl
all curls and big brown eyes
Man I can't take the pain of wanting her, needing her
I know the secret of your soul
And I just don't want to know
Yeah, man we got to grow up

there's a party in my tummy...

Okay, what's not to love about creatures that look like the ones above?

We, and when I say we I mean me, Wayne and Maya, have found a new show that we all love.

Yo Gabba Gabba!

Wayne added it our DVR because he heard The Shins were going to be on the show at some point, but it sucked us in--even without the shins, who have yet to appear. The first episode featured Elijah Wood doing the puppetmaster:



I was totally doing that dance allllll day long.

The same episode had this song:



Do you love this show yet? How cute are the characters? I guess Muno (the orange creature) looks like he should have a rabbit on his back. Maybe he is an homage to the creator's wife's vibrator. Or the creator's own vibrator. Who knows. I just know that he makes me laugh every time I see him. He even has one eye. He's a one-eyed monster. Ha! I crack myself up!

Oh, yes, you must check out this show. It's all over youtube.
And The Shins haven't been on yet, but you can go to Nick Jrs website to watch it. You have to use Internet Explorer to view it, and you need to be in the US. Lame, I know, but you know you want to watch it. The Shins are so wonderful.

And Yo Gabba Gabba is so fun.
Oh, and Mark Mothersbaugh has a segment where he draws. It's reminiscent, to me anyway, of Captain Kangaroo. Mark Mothersbaugh is perfect for a kid's show, and I kind of wish he had a bigger segment, though what he does is amusing. Quirky.

Now go watch it already!!!

Larry the Bird

Last Thursday, I found our cockatiel, Larry, dead in his cage. We celebrated Paige's birthday that day because she was going to be gone on her actual birthday (last Friday), so we decided to wait to tell Maya. She went all day without noticing that he--and his cage-- were gone from the front room. This is the room we spent most of the day in because we were all playing Guitar Hero II (totally addictive game, btw) there. She even stood right where his cage was only hours before and did not notice its absence.

Regardless of all that, when we finally told her at bedtime, her cries were deep, mournful and enduring. It was heartbreaking; I have never heard her cry like that. He was about 10 or 11 years old, so he lived a long life. I heard him the night before making some weird sounds, but i ignored him. Sometimes he falls off his perch at night, and it wasn't too unlike that sound. I feel bad though, like I should have at least checked in on him. Poor guy.

We buried him on the side of the house where Maya's room is located. She liked that. She wrote him a letter (well, dictated the letter to me because she was crying when she started to write), which we put in with the paper sack we buried him in. For several days, she would go out to his burial site and talk to him. She would say good bye to him every time we left the house and made sure to go say hello to him when we came home. There were many days where we had to answer questions for her, like: "why did Larry have to die?" "Larry was too young to die--he was only eleven! 11 is young!" all in the midst of tears. I would go over and give her a kiss, and she would say, "I miss Larry." It was pretty sucky.

Wayne, of course was upset, too, as it was his bird. I gave it to him for his birthday (I think) in 1997. It's such a bummer to have Maya and Wayne sad.

I didn't really like the bird, but I was used to his presence. It's weird that it is so quiet around here now.

One of the things that Larry really enjoyed was taking a shower with Wayne and Maya. Below is a picture of Maya showering with Larry. I love this picture.

this is why having daughters is so fun

Last night Maya and I went to a mom and daughter pajama party at a friend's house.
It was so fun!
We made our own pizzas, slapped tasty green stuff on our faces, painted nails, made sundaes and had a few mojitos...and some drink made with rum and Hawaiian Punch. I think.
Pictures below, for your enjoyment...

Maya really didn't like the mask (as if you couldn't tell)


Maya applying the yummy concoction to my face


Good enough to eat...
Really, it is edible. I think it's avocado, oatmeal, olive oil and lemon juice.
Get your chips, ladies.


Maya giving me my pedicure. This is the nail polish removal stage.


It didn't go well. My last pedi polish must be made of liquid titanium or something.
We decided she should just polish over my existing color.


Rescue Hero Wayne saves the day...
by bringing us more rum.
Then we kicked him out of the house.
Because...
Boys Drool and GIRLS RULE!


Really, Maya didn't have any of the rum. The way my nails turned out just make it look like she had some (a lot).


Coy.


It was so much fun. Rescue Hero Wayne had to come back at the end of the night to get Maya because, well, she thought she would just move in with our friends.

high school reunion 2

My high school reunion-- 20th-- is probably in 2 years or so.
I say probably because someone has to organize it, and who knows if someone is actually doing it. It's probably the same damn people who used to do all the stuff for spirit week in high school.

Last reunion (10th) was okay but could have been soooooo much better.

I told my friend Renae that if we planned it, it would be way cooler. Our reunion was in a dingy conference room at the Red Hook Brewery. One must take into consideration, however, where I went to high school (wow, they changed their website. It looks pretty lame now). Snoqualmie, Wa. Small town-- actually, kids came from like, three surrounding areas to go to the one high school-- North Bend, Fall City, Preston and , of course, Snoqualmie.

A lot of my classmates still live in The Valley. Hey, if you click that link to the alumni site, one of my former classmates is in the alumni spotlight (unless it changed)! Andrew Miller...

He was adorable back then (I've always had a hang-up for red-haired guys), and damn...he looks exactly the same. Please tell me that is a picture from high school. Shouldn't he be fat and balding? Ugh.

Which brings me to my topic at hand.

I need to get into Reunion Condition.

This is even more serious than Wedding/Cruise Condition, which I took very seriously. Reunion Condition is going to take more planning and time. I'm older now and have gained another person on my belly and ass. My ankles are becoming cankles, and all I can do is eat ice cream...

Which isn't going to help me at all.

Reunion Condition...well, I don't see me getting back to my high school weight (105-110). Even at the last reunion, I weighed 115-125. I can't really recall.
Diet. Exercise. Weight training.

Will I need to join Weight Watchers? A gym? Can The Firm get me into Reunion Condition? Should I start smoking? All the skinny anemic people smoke.

No. Smoking means wrinkles. I'd rather avoid wrinkles. And there's the whole cancer thing, too. And it's stinky. And expensive. And generally unattractive.

Botox. A friend was telling me that if we go in together and share the bottle of botulism, that the clinic will charge us less. How much is Botox? She said that the last she heard, a few years ago, it was $350. Three HUNDRED and Fifty DOLLARS. May need to rethink the Botox idea or...get a job!

So I need to set some goals. I need to plan out my life for the next two years. How to get down to *"fuck you" weight by 2009.



*by "fuck you" weight, I don't mean TO fuck you... you know, it's the whole: fuck you; I look good for being almost 40. Shit. Almost 40.
I'll probably need some mood elevators by 2009.

bob rivers

Bob Rivers is a radio DJ here in Seattle, whom you may have heard of. He does song parodies and such. His radio show is really good, and Wayne loves all his song parodies. I'm not a big fan of song parodies. Like, they're okay once, but after that, I don't feel a need to listen again. I do love the radio show, though. I listen to the podcast, when I miss the live show. You can also get the podcasts through iTunes.

Bob Rivers also happens to be the most famous person for whom I ever babysat (lucky him). I babysat his two boys during the spring/summer of 1990. I was pregnant with Paige, and his wife thought I was just fat, which is hilarious because I only weighed 135 at term (August 17th) with Paige. I did have quite the gut, though. Ha!

They hired me because their younger kid went to the same daycare/preschool as two kids that I babysat regularly, and that mom (Darlene) gave Bob's wife (Lisa) my number. Darlene mentioned to her, after I babysat for Lisa on several occasions, that I was due to have a baby, and she told Darlene that she thought I was just fat. It still makes me laugh.

After I had Paige, I think my sister started babysitting for them, but I don't know how long that lasted.

He seems a lot nicer on the radio than he was in person. Not that he was mean or anything, but he wasn't very friendly or talkative. Lisa was pretty cool, though. Bob was also a horrible driver. He would drive me home after I babysat, and it seemed he was always listening to the Mariners. He was a very jerky driver...like, lurchy.

Anyway, all that to get to this video for Bob Rivers' song parody of "Hey There Delilah," which is called "Hey There Chlamydia," which was directed by his eldest son. It's so funny, and I could actually listen to this one more than once and laugh every time.

Hey There Chlamydia



Hey There Delilah

sssshhhhhh...

Can you hear that?
It's called quiet.

I am alone right at this very moment.

This hasn't happened often this summer.

Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No demands. Nothing.

Wayne and Maya went to the Mariner's game (they are going to be in a suite--lucky!). Paige is still sleeping (or reading, but in bed nonetheless); Brittani is at her mom's house.

WHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The novelty wears off rather quickly, though. I'm already thinking, "what am I going to do NOW?" I think I'll wake Paige up and ask her to walk with me to the coffee stand at the entrance to our neighborhood. Then we'll come back here and watch Fur. I feel like I haven't seen her much this summer. She's been pretty good when I have her come with us to do family things. She went with us to dinner with Renae, Dryke and Laura the other night; she did get antsier the later it got because she wanted to get home to hang out with her friends, but she wasn't terribly snippy about it.

She's really doing that whole pulling away thing right now, but it doesn't feel like she's doing it to the point of being...distant, aloof, uninvolved, etc. I think it's the natural course of adolescence, but it does feel weird.

How strange it is that there will be a time in the not so distant future that we won't be in constant contact with our older daughters. I never really thought about how my mom felt about not hearing from us, her kids, for days on end, but I imagine that it was quite strange. A child moving out completely changes the relationship between parent and child. Ugh. Well, it's a few years away now, so I'll deal with that when I have to. And if Paige is anything like me and my siblings, she won't be leaving right after high school. It took us awhile to take the great leap out of mommy and daddy's and some of us have even returned in adulthood a time or two.

I remember when Paige was first born, kindergarten seemed so far away. How she got to be a junior in high school after such a short period of time, I will never understand. I mean, she was literally in diapers just a few weeks ago, I swear. The little Luvs diapers with pink roses on them. So cute. I'm going to have to scan in some pictures from when Paige was a baby.

And now we are approaching her last two years in high school. Shit, I still remember MY last two years in high school, as though it wasn't TWENTY years ago!

Yes, it has been twenty years since I began my junior year in high school. I'll have to scan some of those pictures, too. Ha! The thing that is so funny about high school, though, is that it hasn't changed much in 20 years. I know I thought my high school experience was vastly different than my own parents' experiences, so I'm sure Paige feels that her experience is completely different from mine as well. The same dramas happen. the same infighting. She has the group of guys that she hangs out with, which I also had. A few really good girlfriends, but mostly guy friends. Junior year I had three girlfriends (Jen, Renae and Renae) and our group of guy friends, who I think at the time were Dave, Andy and Andrew. Maybe I'm missing someone because that list feels incomplete. Junior year was insane.

Ok.
Well, I'm going to see if Paige wants coffee. To walk to coffee (We're WALKING? why can't we just drive? Mom, you're being stupid. Let's just DRIVE!"). To watch Fur. To snuggle together on the couch like she's my baby again...

fun stuff

what have I been up to the past few week?

Wayne's cousin came out from South Carolina for 10 days. She's 15. It was a blast! I thought so, anyway. I really hope she had fun.

So we were tourists in Seattle, which was cool. I've never really done that before.
Pike Place Market and Argosy Cruise


Ocean Shores (crappy, cold weather and brown water--not the kind of "beach" you take someone from South Carolina to)



Seattle Center and The Ducks



We also celebrated Brittani's FIFTEENTH birthday. She had a party here at the house with a bunch of her friends. They hung out in the hot tub and the pool (freaking COLD!), ate chocolate fondue and seemed to a good time.



Mariner's Game



And then she went back home, Maya had the pukes for two days, my niece and nephew were here for a couple of days, then last night we went to The Rainforest Cafe to celebrate a friend's birthday. It has been a busy but fun few weeks.
I hope next week is chill...

my "bitching about my family" post

we had birthdays today at my mom and dad's house.
Brittani, who turned 15 on the 26th.
My nephew, Ben, who turns 4 on Monday.
Paige, who will be 17 on the 17th of August.

It was slightly depressing and infuriating.

There are 5 "kids" who are in our family now-- my brother, sister and me and our two cousins. Four of us have our own kids. My brother has no kids.

We (Wayne and I) acknowledge every kid who has a birthday in our family. Up until recently, we even made sure to get my cousins and my sister a present for their birthdays. I refuse to any longer because none of them ever have the courtesy to acknowledge anyone else's birthday.

I'm not on speaking terms with one cousin because she's so terribly toxic. We may be at family functions together, but I just don't care to interact with her. My life is far happier and saner with out her trying to stir up drama.

My sister and I are strained. Actually, I can say I enjoy being around my sister again. For awhile, I was really angry at her, and I am sure she was angry with me, too. My sister and I were part of the drama my cousin was trying to create a year or so ago, through her lies and manipulations (how does one get to be so good at manipulation?). I miss my sister a lot and wish that we could do more together like we used to, but I think in time that will happen again. I'm confident.

We just don't talk. Like, all the shit that went down, we don't discuss at all. To me, it is always the big freaking elephant in the room, but I don't know if I should talk to her about it, or leave it be or what else to do. She thinks (thought) I judge her (taking a page from my cousin's script...), but I don't. I can say that until I'm blue in the face, though, and if she (or my cousin) has it in her head that I judge, I can't make her think otherwise. It's frustrating. But my relationship with her, as superficial as it feels to me now, seems to be getting better.

My cousin, I could give a rat's ass about, honestly. How someone can alienate her entire family and then say it's because everyone judges her and her choices, I will never quite understand. Ugh. There's just no accountability there. Never has been. It's crazy.

So, everyone, excluding my aunt and male cousin, was there at the party. My cousin was late. I don't even know why she showed up. My kids said she said several times that she didn't even want to be there. Then leave already. I don't think anyone would have cried.

Neither she nor my sister acknowledged my kids' birthdays. Even with our relationship strained, I like my cousin's kid. We get their kids gifts for their birthdays and have a relationship with the kids. They're good kids. It is so sad that my SISTER cannot even spend a moment to get a card for the kids, give $10 or something little as a gift. I can understand my cousin neglecting my kids. I mean, I hold a grudge, but this woman wrote the book on grudge holding. Not only that, but there's the whole egocentric thing she has going on, where she forgets that there are other people in the world. But my sister? That just sucks.

I'm really disappointed and a little pissed off; I think my kids are kind of going, WTF? too.

So, right before I leave my parents' house, my cousin makes my grandma cry for some reason. She came in the house crying, and my grandpa said, "do you want to go ahead and leave now?" and my grandma said, "I'm not going to let her run me off." I have no idea what my cousin said to make my grandma so upset. One can only guess. I didn't ask.

Then, Brittani comes in the house and says she wants to make some money, so could she babysit for the cousin?

Heh.

No fucking way. First of all, good luck actually getting paid. Second of all, the woman is fucking unbalanced. Thirdly, I am done helping my cousin in any way, even if it would actually be Brittani doing the helping. It's always completely done without gratitude on the part of my cousin. It's as though we owe it to her to help her out. Whatever.

So I left this birthday function highly annoyed and generally disliking the other adult children in my family (except my brother, who is always awesome to the kids and who let me play Guitar Hero; he's always been a good little brother).

I really dread these family functions anymore. They are, simply put, quite painful.

I am guessing I won't have to see cousin again until, maybe, Halloween or Thanksgiving.

And my life will be drama-less until then, and I am sure she will do her thang at the next family function.