another fuckin' saturday

and I am so happy it's almost over.

All was well, really, until about 4pm. Earlier this morning I took Brittani & Maya to the bookstore to get some books. We love the bookstore. well, Maya and I do; I'm not sure about Brittani. Then we went to Home Depot to (try to) pick out paint for the girls' bathroom. Task incomplete. We took a bunch of color brochures home to show Paige, who would have an absolute cow if Brittani chose an unsatisfactory color (Paige chose to stay home).

Heidi came over to play with Maya, and Maya was being a total playdate dictator. twenty minutes into the playdate, and Heidi was asking to call her mom, so she could go home. I talked them down, but Maya was a freaking Castro all day.

While playing in the laundry room, Maya slipped on what she thought was a bunch of water. She freaked out and alerted me to a water leak in the leaundry room, which wasn't a water leak at all. I think a water leak might have been better. I'm not sure.

I just opened a big huge Costco-sized container of liquid laundry detergent this week, and somehow it fell off the shelf where it is stored. It splashed all over two walls and the washer and dryer, and then landed on the floor where it continued to spill out all night until about two-thirds of the contents were on the floor. The tiled floor that Wayne and I laid (layed?) in November. I was so afraid of what the detergent did to the floor.

Paige and I took dry towels and mopped up most of the soap, and then she had to get ready to get Brittani from play practice and to get her dinner for the night.

Later, Paige was sprawled out on the kitchen counter, and Maya was whining about not being able to sprawl out on the counter. I calmly told her to stop whining, and she smacked me on the arm as I walked past her. Totally out of the blue and HARD. She left red finger marks on my arm, and it made such a loud SLAP.

I lost it.
Totally.

I sent Maya to her room and then I just started to lose it. I could hardly hold back my tears. I don't know why I was crying, but I knew I had to get out of the kitchen. Paige was cooking dinner, and I didn't want to start bawling like a freaking basket case in front of her and Brittani.

I went upstairs and called Wayne, who is at work. It went to voicemail, of course. He is so hard to reach when he works. It frustrates me to no end-- at least when I really need him. I paged him 911, which I never do. Still voicemail.

He calls me back, and I'm crying, which I am sure is freaking him out. I don't usually call him crying, you know.

I think my emotional breakdown is due to a combination of factors (in no particular order):

• the laundry soap incident. these things only happen when wayne is at his other gig.
• Maya acting up, which occurs damn near every weekend that Wayne is working.
• My period.
  
• I hate that Wayne is working so much. Hate. It.
  
• I resent that Wayne works so much. Resent it to my core.
  
• My period.
  

Thank god for Paige today. She was so sweet, and she is usually my "I HATE YOU SO MUCH, MOM" kid. She can be mean. But she was so helpful and I never had to ask her to help with anything today. It made me happy. She made me feel better. She says that she feels bad when I am alone.

So the day is done now, and tomorrow is a new one. I'm not even drinking wine tonight, even though i should be, but I did have some Girl Scout Thin Mints. Not at all a good substitute for pinot noir.

I put our family on a budget. We've never budgeted, and I think everyone is hopeful that I will have no follow through, which is usually the case. My philosophy is that Wayne works so much because we spend so much; therefore, we spend less, and Wayne will work less, which will equate to a saner Shannon. Hopefully.

Things I enjoyed but am cutting out of my life:

• eating out whenever I want, which is frequently.
• coffees. the expensive, sweet and fattening kind.
  
• Pedis. This is going to kill me. I am so attached to my pedis-- I need one now, as a matter of fact. It'll be cheaper to buy myself a good self-pedi kit. I'll cry a little every time I use it.
  
• Spontaneous shopping for the house and for Maya.
  

I think that's it for now. Oh, and the kids are not going to be given cash hand over fist anymore, either. Chores will be done for an allowance. Paige will get $16/week, Brittani will get $14/week and Maya will get $6/week. I probably give the older two anywhere between $20-$80/week in cash. Each.

It's crazy.

We're getting a new Quicken (ours is so old!), and I am going to use it diligently. I don't understand why we are always so broke when our income level is where it is. We shouldn't be broke.

Great movies I watched this week:

Sherrybaby
The Last Kiss
Babel

Tissues needed for all. But then, I am emotional this week, apparently.

Oh, and Maya and I finished reading Bridge to Terabithia tonight. Thursday through tonight were "choke me up" chapters. I even choked up reading Maya the book dedication. If you've never read it, do so now. Maya liked it. I read it to my older two, too, when they were Maya's age. Lots and lots o' tissues for that one.